I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
