those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize