ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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