I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
