you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
