He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
