I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
