hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
