i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
