I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
