I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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