To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i will never coherently bang her
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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