so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
