It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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