Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
