last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize