You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
