we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
birth control should be required to get into college
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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