ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
