just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
