She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dicks are not precious.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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