The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize