Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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