He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
