Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
