omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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