Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
