Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
