I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
