You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
