Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
