Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
