walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Randomize
