I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
