i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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