And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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