the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
