Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize