do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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