oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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