i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
