You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
