guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
