Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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