I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
