I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
