i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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