I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Well I just put wine in my tea
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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