someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
