the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
