oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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