a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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