Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Naked. naked and bneed help.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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