the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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