Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
