When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize