four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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