I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
