he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
