My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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