I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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