Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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