I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
