A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
