The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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