u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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