He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
