i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I want to be your penis for a week.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
