is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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