In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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