I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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