How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
